drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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