The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
