I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
