Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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