Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
