shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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