What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
