Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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