Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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