So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
my poor anus
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
