fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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