I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
