I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
