Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
