my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
