I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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