Your dad touched me again.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
