Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
