I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
