and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
