I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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