I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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