i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
