I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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