and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
