She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
