I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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