It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Randomize
