Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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