so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
