last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
