I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I touched a dick in church today
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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