i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
