a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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