You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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