I didn't shave. On purpose
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Im part way to drunk.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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