My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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