I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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