but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
