giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Houston, we have a squirter
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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