cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
