He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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