They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
So much rum. So many feels.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
