Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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