Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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