She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Bring me that man meat
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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