My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
