I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
