i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
