I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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