i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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