I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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